Without forgiveness humane living would be impossible. From our earliest years we find ourselves breaking rules or hurting others, often unintentionally. Or we feel diminished by the words and actions of family members, friends and strangers. We tend to resent those closest to us for actual or perceived injuries. Negative relations with parents and siblings can last a lifetime.
As elders we have learned to accept shortcomings in ourselves and others. If we grow emotionally through life’s challenges, we become less judgmental and demanding and thus more forgiving. We also distance ourselves from destructive relationships connected to old hurts. Forgiveness does not require putting ourselves in injurious circumstances in the mistaken notion that real forgiveness and reconciliation will result. Religious traditions can foster forgiveness, but they can also impose burdens of inner guilt.
It takes some people many years to work through these feelings of guilt and be able to forgive themselves. Insights from therapy, friends and spiritual practice help us to become forgiving toward ourselves without losing our sense of moral responsibility. As we become more confident about our true selves in the aging process, we are more willing to say “I’m sorry” when it is appropriate. We know when to ask forgiveness from others.
Forgiveness can be an avenue toward reconciliation in social and political conflicts. Archbishop Desmond Tutu and President Nelson Mandela have been elder exemplars of forgiveness in oppressive racial environments. Our vocation as elders consists in trying to understand the anger and bitterness of those who feel humiliated and injured. From such empathy, we look for ways of forgiveness in domestic and international strife.
Discussion:
- In the context of your growing up, what were the main struggles around learning to be forgiving?
- In your adult life what were the most serious problems relating to forgiveness? How did you handle them?
- In what ways might your life in elderhood contribute to a culture of forgiveness?
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